Updated: Dec 27, 2021
Sexual intelligence is the capability of individuals to recognize own sexual desires and performances and those of others while spontaneously discerning between different sexual desires, performances and partners. It also includes the ability to react speedier to sexually adapt appropriately using sexual information.
This should be by following own feelings and those of others to guide sexual thinking and behaviour, and adjust the sexual performance and desire to adapt to environments.
The following are wide array of elements needed to enhance sexual intelligence of an individual based on sexual competences and skills, which drive sexual leadership and performance.
Communication for sex
Sex starts by finding the right partner. In the beginning, it is really important to present yourself as you are. Avoid sexual inferiority complex, by presenting yourself as inadequate sexually, or even showing your sexual deficiency through your communication. Don’t undersell yourself, as well.
Sexually inferior men want confirmation. They want to be told whether the size of their penis is good enough or how nice their penis looks, and they keep asking women to rate their penis during sex just for reassurance. They usually ask: "how do you like my penis? Is it big enough? Tell me you love my penis as you suck it.” That’s what they want to hear all the time.
But, that’s actually unnecessary, as size and appearance doesn't matter. It’s all about the skills!
Other communication problems are:
For example, as a man, when seeking to meet your potential future partner and start date by saying,
“...my girlfriend or wife left me (for another man), or she cheated on me"
Here, you are presenting yourself as weak and not good enough. The best way to talk about your past relationships is to say,
"...I am single. My girlfriend/wife and I ended the relationship or marriage."
…no need to give reasons, especially if the reasons present you as weak or not good, particularly, sexually. Also, avoid exaggerating by presenting a sexual superiority complex. Don’t sell yourself as macho while you aren’t!
Adapting to sexual partner's needs
Being able to study and adapt your sexual performance and desires to your partner’s, and very fast, is a very important skill in sex. The skill is needed in particularly for one-night-stands and spontaneous sex, like ‘bought' sex. Remember, sex is sex, whether one-night-stand, relationship, cheat or bought!
There shouldn’t be difference in performance in either sex. Thus, there can’t be sexual activities which
"I only do that when in a relationship and having sex with my partner, and not just with everybody (expect the use of condoms, of course!)."
That’s false! Your sexual personality should be the same everywhere and should determine your sexual performance and desire. The only thing needed is the ability to adapt it with sexual partner’s, and very fast, for harmonious sexual experience. Things like,
“...I only kiss in a relationship, not during random sex,"
makes no sense because, if kissing is part of your sex routine, you are not going to enjoy the sex or even get fully hard while having random sex, if you are not kissing. However, it depends whether you are a kisser or not. And therefore, there isn’t something like relationship sex, cheating sex or bought sex performance!
Realism towards optimism and not towards pessimism
So, the communication and your thinking during sex should be based on positiveness and not negativity. Avoid things and suggestions, which will negatively affect your performance. Things like
"I don’t think I will get an erection ; I don’t think I am going to cum etc.”
...should be avoided. Use motivational words based on your fantasies. Be realist but towards optimism rather and realism towards pessimism. If your erection isn’t full enough see it as it is getting fuller rather than it is getting lesser.
An optimists see his erection as half full, the pessimist as half soft!
Also avoid talking things which aren’t of sexual nature during sex. Don’t start asking your partner how the day or job was, while sitting on your dick ridding, or on her fours waiting for your dick for a doggie!
Dominance vs leadership in sex
Especially, if you are looking for a long-term relationship, it is better, even if you are introvert, and in particularly, if you are a man of particular age, to never tell your potential sex partner that you are looking for a woman who can dominate you in bed and that you like being submissive.
Dominance and submission are very strong words for real world people. It is used in porn or brothels, or once a relationship is established and reached another level.
These two words present a man's weakness. Wanting a mistress is ok if practised 'from time to time' sex, but very difficult as part of daily life's sex. So, you better tell your potential partner,
“...I like if a woman CAN AS WELL lead during sex,’ rather than, ‘I like being dominated during sex."
Remember, women are naturally the weaker sex. Not men. Let your woman know she has a man, but she can lead from time to time, and not having to take the whole sexual responsibility to DOMINATE you because you are/want to be submissive. She is not looking to be a mistress, but rather a girlfriend or wife. So be realistic and don’t scare her with too much sexual responsibilities. Women are still women who like stronger men, and men should still be men who show their strengths!
There is ‘NO’ thing as ‘EVERYTHING' in sex.
Most of the time when asked "what do you like in sex?," most men tend to say, "I like everything."
Do you know it is almost impossible to like everything in sex? Sex is very wide-ranging. It is therefore important to tell your sex partner exactly which sex activities you like to perform and to be performed on you, and which sex positions you like and which ones you dislike. Also, during sex act, lead and direct your partner on the softness, hardness or roughness of the action. How you like it… like
"…I like my balls being licked but gentile with very sloppy blowjob. I like soft nipple seduction. I like doggie and missionary positions… etc., and you?”
So stop EVERYTHING for answer.!
Let’s take it as it comes…the try and error sex!
Others don’t say what they like in sex as they believe that sex is a spontaneous act that should be taken as it comes.
Therefore, when asked what they like in sex, if they don’t answer with everything, they usually say… "Let’s take it as it comes. What will be will be!"
This can cause insecurities as your sex partner will be unsure whether whatever he or she is doing is good or not as the sex becomes a try and error. Generally, it’s better to give some keywords based on your sex personality and desires.
Give direct answers and no counter-questions
When asked "What would you like?” in sex, please give an answer to the question and don’t answer a question with a question, especially during the sex act. For example, when asked,
“Which position do you want?" Instead of saying "I would like from behind or front…” most men do give back answers by asking the same question back like, “What do YOU like?” Otherwise they say, “…Do whatever you want with me!"
They do so trying to present themselves as not being ego-centric and being considerate of their partners' desires, during sex. However, this might end-up making sex less pleasant as the woman might end-up getting bored or feeling as if she is the only one responsible for/of the whole fun.
Matching sexual desires with own personality
The ability to match one’s sex personality to the right sexual desires is very important. Some people have sexual desires which don’t match their sexual personalities. A good example is a shy-introvert guy who likes and wish for dirty-talks during sex while he can’t respond during a dirty-talking session, ending up becoming with a dirty-mono-talk.
Remember, the best way for dirty-talk is not by asking, “Can you dirty-talk with me?” ...during sex, but rather by starting the dirty conversation, which is based on your personality. Therefore, extroverts would do it naturally better than introverts.
Ability to act and show
Act: Sex mostly starts with seduction whereby kissing is among the top sexual acts. Some people, however, tend to ask, ‘Can I kiss you?’ as an act of showing respect, or for consensual reasons, therefore asking permission. However, sex among people who meet with the purpose of having it, should be unrestrained act. Too much stoppage makes it boring.
So permission asking to touch or kiss makes things very occurred, and especially, during the first sex date.
The best thing is to find out about the chemistry and once it is there, let the act flow by sending your lips in a kissing motion and hands on a caressing motion, as well, to your sex partner and see his or her reaction, whether she/he respond the same way, being, accepting the kissing and caress or not. That would be by moving towards locking lips and appreciating the kissing and caressing back. However, avoid exaggerated-kissing by studying whether the person has had enough of it, or if he/she doesn’t like too much of it, once they move the lips against the kissing position.
Show: In sex, one need the ability to show what he or she can, instead of asking each and every time whether it is ok to touch, leak or kiss. For example, asking, "Can I touch your breasts?" while already in action, instead of just touching and maybe asking "How do you like it. Soft or rough?" So, show what you are capable of doing and then ask how it is liked for adjustment with the receiver’s likes and dislikes.
Senders and receivers in sex
In sex, both parties are senders and receivers. The sender sends a sexual advance, the receiver reacts, as the sender reads the reaction to see whether to continue with the advance or change to another sexual advance.
So sex is a trial and error act in need of quick reactions!
Ability to see and react
See: The other point is seeing reaction and reacting. Like, for example; you are fingering a person who doesn’t like too much fingering. Then she pulls your finger out, once she feels uncomfortable and place them on the outer part. Then she tells you she likes fingers but slightly on the outside rather than inside, and soft rather than rough.
But instead of you reacting by following her instruction, you keep on repeating the same thing, over and over again that she keeps pushing your hands away, over and over again. And that is wrong!
Or you hold her head when she is performing a blowjob, forcing a deep-throat. Then she removes your hand giving you a signal that she doesn’t like. However, you keep on repeating the same thing, because you believe that all women like it, since it is sex and sex has no rules, which is the psychological-effect coming from the porn industry, of which you usually watch a portion of all the porns, whereby, what you think is general, isn’t general, at all, as you watch a portion of existing sexually desires, which you specifically search for. And that’s not general!
React: Or a woman tells you "I am cumming” during oral sex and asks you to stop once she cums because she is sensitive, but you keep on rubbing her pussy because you don’t believe she really ‘came’ since she didn’t squirt while not all women squirts' when they cum during sex. And majority don’t!
Ability to judge sexual situation
It is important to be able to notice and judge sexual situations and resolve them. Also think of consequences of actions taken, well in advance, to avoid making mistakes. For example, notice when a woman is dry during sexual penetration and lubricate her vagina and your penis whenever necessary, but using the right products.